


Voldemort's Paperwork

by ThisToo_ShallPass



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gen, Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-06
Updated: 2013-01-06
Packaged: 2017-11-23 20:38:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/626298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisToo_ShallPass/pseuds/ThisToo_ShallPass
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Even the Darkest of Dark Lords has paperwork. Just ask Voldemort.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Voldemort's Paperwork

**Author's Note:**

> Another oldie written on utter crack.

Voldemort was not happy. Why, oh why, did he become the Dark Lord?  _Well, because you don't want to die and you hate Albus Dumbledore._

He sighed. If he had known that the most feared wizard alive had this much paperwork, he would have let Lucius take over. Suddenly, a scream was heard throughout Malfoy Manor- probably Bellatrix torturing another captured muggleborn.

Just look at these papers! The stack was at least half a foot tall. Half of the papers were just adds, no doubt!

Voldemort sighed again, then reached for the first one on the pile. Might as well start now.

He was still slightly put off that he couldn't just magick the papers to automatically sigh themselves, but he had already learned his lesson about  _that._

" _My lord?" Nott came running up, holding something in his hand. It looked like…magazines?_

" _What is it, Nott?" Voldemort grumbled. Merlin, this day was just one thing after another. First, he had spilled his tea all over his brand-new black robes, then Nagini had bit him, causing total uproar as all the Death Eaters simultaneously tried to help their master. You can imagine the pandemonium. He had a splitting headache. All the headache potions were gone, everyone else having headaches from the constant screams of Bellatrix's victims. The worst thing was, Severus was off spying on Dumbledore right now, and none of his Death Eaters could brew to save their lives. So, Voldemort had used his magic to automatically sign the papers. It was just easier._

" _S-Sir, y-you ordered th-these?" his servant stuttered. He held up something, which looked like…_

_Muggle porn magazines?_

" _ **WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, NOTT?"**_

" _M-My lord, the paper said you ordered them…"_

" _Let me see that," Voldemort snarled. Snatching the paper from the Death Eater's grasp, he quickly scanned over the words, then with a sinking feeling in his gut,_ **[For everyone knows that Dark Lords don't have hearts…]** ,  _looked down to find…his signature at the bottom of the paper._

_Shit. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!_

" _Exactly how many people saw this, Nott?" he questioned viciously._

" _Um…Well…Avery, Bella, Malfoy, Crabbe-"_

_That was as far as he got before Voldemort picked him up by his neck and tossed him out of the room. "Get out of my sight!"_

_After successfully reliving the room of Nott, Voldemort stretched out on a random couch and read over the form again._

**Thank you** **Voldemort ,** **for purchasing this copy of** _**Sexy Bunny Girl,** _ **Britain's best porn magazine! We hope that you,** **Voldemort ,** **enjoy this version as you satisfy your greatest needs!**

**Yours truly,**

**Trixia Magnifica, editor-in-chief of the** _**Sexy Bunny Girl** _

_With a snarl, Voldemort cast an "incendio" at the magazine in front of him._

_It didn't help his temper when Lucius Malfoy came into the room, laughing his arse off._

" _Oh, shut the bloody hell up."_

_That was the last time he auto-signed papers again. Argh…_

Voldemort was getting another bloody headache just from remembering that incident!

He sighed, something he'd had a lot of practice at today. He looked at the paper in his hand.

**Do you have wrinkles-**

Toss. Pick up another one.

**The Zip! The fastest broom available! Buy your Zip today!**

Hmmm… That might help with their raids. Keep. Get another one.

**Mr. Riddle-**

That bloody name!

**Mr. Riddle,**

**A large deposit was received today for the account of one Mr. Tom Marvolo Riddle.**

**Please sign to confirm your identity and therefore receive the deposit.**

**Thank you.**

**Gringotts Bank**

Voldemort quickly signed on the line. The paper seemed to stretch, then disappeared. He didn't bat an eyebrow. The paper would now be sent to Gringotts to confirm the signature. He picked up another paper.

**Get Nickeloden's magazine-**

How the hell did Muggle adds get in the stack, anyway? Toss. He'd have to remind someone to go through the stack  _before_  he had to go through all this.

He grabbed another envelope.

**Buy My Little Pony-**

No. Just…no.

He grabbed a black envelope lined with skulls. Now  _this_ was more his style.

**Voldemort-**

Finally, someone acknowledged his name!

**Voldemort,**

**I hate you! May you burn in the pits of hell! If you harm anyone else, I will personally castrate you and shove your bits back up your ass, then feed you alive to my pet hippogriff!**

It had no name. Typical. "Incendio." Next.

**Confirmation of order: One pairs of black trousers, free black shirt included- 3 Galleons**

**Black dress robes- 6 Galleons**

**Black leather shoes- 10 Sickles**

**Please sign to confirm: .**

_These people are robbing me!_  was Voldemort's first thought.

Nevertheless, he needed the robes. With a grumble, he reluctantly signed the it disappeared. Sigh. Voldemort grabbed another paper. Damn, would the pile ever get any smaller? It didn't seem to have shrunk any.

**Damn you Voldemort!**

**You are just a fat lazy old coward. You should have been Sorted into Hufflepuff, you stupid stuck-up cow!**

**Ana Raymond- Come and get me now!**

Attached was a Bat-Bogey hex.

Cursing under his breath now, it took Voldemort several minutes to break the spell. But he was angry.

Who in their right mind would dare to tell him that he was meant ot be Sorted into Hufflepuff? Apparently Ana Raymond would.

"Lucius!" he called.

Said man appeared in the doorway. "You called, my lord?"

"I have to go chase down and kill somebody. Muggleborn, no doubt."

"Do you need help, my lord?" Lucius wasn't surprised. After all, this happened just about every day.

"No, Lucius. This time, I need you to stay behind and finish my paperwork."

"O-Oh. Yes, my lord."

"See to it."

With that, he disappeared with a swish of his robes.

"He always  _was_  into dramatic disappearances."

~~~

Lucius sat in the chair that the Dark Lord always used to occupy. To his surprise, it was…bouncy. Huh.

He sighed very unbecomingly for a Malfoy. Damn these papers! IT must suck to be a Dark Lord. Not that he didn't have hihs share of papers.

But peering at the pile in front of him, he began to grin.

**Hey, Barbie Girl! Do you want to be part of the Barbie Girl fan club? Then sigh the paper! You'll be sent the official newsletter every month, as well as every new product! Just fill out the survey!**

**Name: .**

**Age: .**

**Why You deserve to be a Barbie Girl: .**

Lucius just stared at the paper, then snatched it up, grabbed a pen, and started filling the repulsive thing out.

**Name: Tomasina Riddle .**

**Age: 8 ,**

**Why You deserve to be a Barbie Girl: Because I love Barbie and she is so sweet, awesome, and funny! .**

He grinned like the Cheshire cat, and sent it off to the muggle postman.

~~~

_A Few Days Later…_

Crabbe was slightly nervous as he brought in the mail that day. He scurried into Voldemort's office, dropped the letters, and ran out.

_Hmmm…_ Voldemort thought.  _He usually doesn't do that._

He took one look at the Barbie Girl newsletter on his desk, though, and knew immediately what had happened.

" _ **LUCIUS!"**_

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you.....enjoyed....


End file.
